Sugar cake and balloons ch1
by Immortal-Forever
Summary: Its Alucards birthday and Integra decides to do something 'nice' for him. Things dont turn out as planned and chaos ensues. Just why is Alucard scared of two stupid things that no self respecting vampire ought to be scared of? AXI. R&R please guys :
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own _nothing_ to do with Hellsing, mores the pity. But one day...one day, i shall own it ALL! mwuh ha ha ha ha...gets dragged back to asylum

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Alucard's birthday had come around yet again in the Hellsing manor; not that the stupid vampire ever remembered his own birthday.

So this year Sir Integra had enlisted the help of Walter and Seras to make it a birthday he wouldn't forget.

It was the middle of the day. Integra had stayed up all night to get her paperwork done, with the normal routine interruptions by Alucard, and now was attempting to rouse Seras from her coffin.

"Seras wake up. You said you'd help me" She began, her voice relatively soft.

Realising after about 10 minutes that this just wasn't going to work, she found an old stick from the fireplace and repeatedly poked the sleeping Seras with it until she awoke.

"Aah. Quit poking me…If that's you again Master you'll pay with your un-life" She murmured, half awake. She opened her eyes. "Oh, it's you Sir Integra. Sorry…"

"Its fine Seras, just get up right away, Walter is waiting for you in the kitchen. I think he wants you to test the cake mix."

"…cake? Oh never mind. I'll be there"

"Thank you Seras. This won't go unrewarded" promised Sir Integra as she left the room.

Seras set about getting dressed, staying quiet so as not to wake her master, before proceeding down to the kitchen where Walter stood; tapping his watch sarcastically.

"What time do you call this young vampire?"

"Uuh, about quarter to 12? What do you want me to do" she replied, failing to grasp the sarcasm in what Walter had said.

He handed her a bowl full of brown sticky goo.

"Its cake mix for Master Alucard's birthday. Constructive criticism would be much appreciated Seras."

She dipped her finger in the mix and tasted it.

"Mm Walter, this is good stuff. What's in it?" She said, getting excited at the prospect of cake.

"My own _special_ recipe; chocolate…" Seras' face lit up "…and pigs' blood" He concluded as Seras spewed cake mix all over the kitchen.

"I thought you said it was good." Walter complained, hurt

"I did, its just…well I suppose it is Master, he wont have anything without some form of blood in it. I should have guessed. It will do lovely Walter, a job well done."

"Thank you Seras. Go and see if Sir Integra wants you to do anything else, I'm done with you in here now." He said, pouring the mix into a baking tin.

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Upstairs, Integra was in her office inconspicuously blowing up balloons. There was a knock on the door. 'Must be Seras' she thought 'If it were Alucard he wouldn't be knocking'

"Come in Seras"

Seras stepped into the well-lit office, and she walked silently over to Integra's desk.

"Help me do these, I'm having a bit of trouble with the knots" said Sir Integra, throwing Seras a bag of balloons and hanging her head slightly.

They spent the next few hours blowing up balloons for Alucard. When they had enough Integra bundled them all into a net and suspended them from the ceiling (with the help of Walter and his ladders, of course).

"Phew" sighed Integra after their hard work was complete. "Guest list time!"

"There's going to be guests??" Asked Seras, genuinely shocked.

"Of course, much as I hate to admit it, the giant red git does seem to have accumulated a few friends over the years. And enemies too" She added, laughing. "I've already asked everyone if they're coming, and told them to bring a gift for him. But if he continues to annoy me in the way he did last night this might just be his last birthday…"

"How could you make it his last?" Asked Seras "You know how to kill him??"

"Of course I do Seras, I'm his master. All you need to do is…" Her voice was then drowned out by a conveniently timed explosion in the wine cellar, so no-one will ever know how the great no-life king can be destroyed. "And it's really that easy" she concluded, rubbing her hands together, though neither Seras nor Walter had a clue what she just said.

"Come on then you two. They will be arriving in half an hour so smarten up."

…later that evening…

Everyone was gathered in the main hall of the manor. Seras, Walter, Integra, Anderson…

"ANDERSON!?" bellowed Seras "What's he doing here??"

"I thought I'd give my dear Alucard a little extra fun on his _special day_. Heheh…" Sir Integra grinned; a grin much like Alucards. Perhaps he was finally rubbing off on her.

"Everybody ready?" Shouted Sir Integra over the crowds. The reply was positive and everyone present shut up.

"ALUCARD GET YOU'RE VAMPIRE ASS UP HERE NOW!!" yelled Sir Integra.

There was the thud of a head hitting coffin lid, and a grouchy Alucard phased through the floor into the pitch black room.

"Yes Master?" He said, as the lights were switched on and a ton of balloons came cascading down over his head.

"AAAAAHHH!!" He screamed as he ran for cover, bursting several balloons on his way.

"Whats gotten into him?" Asked Seras as she looked at Alucard, crouched down, rocking and gibbering in the corner of the room.

Integra walked over to him, kicking a balloon along with her.

He looked up at Integra, pointed and started muttering to himself again.

"No balloons, balloons very very bad…scaring poor little Alucard….bad….eeeehhhh" He whined, pushing Integra away and stomping on the balloon, scaring himself even more.

Now that the whole room knew of his fear they began to laugh, and Anderson being Anderson, he began to circulate the room, bursting every balloon he could lay his blades on, laughing insanely.

In the corner Alucard began to sob. "Alucard not happy. Alucard hates birthdays. Alucard hates Anderson. Hate hate hate…"

Integra got out her gun and looked at Alucard. It had to be done, There was nothing else for it "sorry…" she whispered, before shooting him between the eyes.

He reeled back, blood pouring from his head, then sat back up deliberately avoiding eye contact with Integra.

"Alucard is sorry. Alucard will be a good boy now, oh yes he will" He nodded vigorously "Alucard will enjoy his birthday if master says so, yes"

He stood up, looking at Integra with giant puppy dog eyes. He bounded over and jumped into her gleefully, then spied his pile of presents.

He shrieked with glee as he ripped open the packages, each time tossing another blood packet onto the growing pile next the present table. When he had done with the rather repetitive presents he turned to the sugary treats on the food table.

It would only end in more tears…


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I own _nothing_ to do with Hellsing, mores the pity. But one day...one day, i shall own it ALL! mwuh ha ha ha ha...gets dragged back to asylum

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Having munched his way through the entire contents of the food table Alucard was feeling very hyper, if a little sick.  
Spying Seras hiding in a corner, clearly a little worried by her masters behaviour; he ran over to her and grabbed her wrist.  
"SQUEEEEE!" he squee'd as he dragged her into the centre of the room. As she stood there looking confused and out of place, Alucard ran round the room in a giant circle, before grabbing Pip by his over-long hair and dragging him into the centre to join Seras. They stood there looking sheepish whilst Alucard stared at them, as if expecting something. He tilted his head.

"Oh for…." He said, groaning. "Let me show you how it's done."  
He walked calmly over to where Integra was standing, clearly amused by the situation. When she saw what Alucard was up to she backed away, protesting and cursing loudly.

She got out her gun. He got out his.

They were standing less than a metre apart, guns drawn and ready to fire. Alucard moved closer ever so slightly. Integra took aim and fired, just as Alucard grabbed hold of her shoulders and pulled her towards him.  
Sensing his masters desire for escape, he held onto her tightly as he pressed his lips hard onto hers and kissed her.  
She struggled briefly, then gave in to Alucard and kissed him back. There was silence around the room as everybody looked at them in disbelief.  
When they finally let go of each other, Alucard saw that everyone was staring at him and glared back, gun still out. Both Alucard and Integra were soaked in blood from where Integra had shot him, not that they cared much.

"Now" began Alucard, not fazed in the slightest by what had just happened "You try"

All eyes turned to Seras and Pip, both of whom were still standing in the centre of the room.  
Seras looked at her master, then back at Pip, before crouching on the ground sobbing. Pip knelt beside her and muttered something inaudible to all present, except Seras and of course Alucard. Seras stopped crying and looked into Pips eyes. She stood up and rushed out of the room, followed closely by Pip.

Now that Integra had recovered from her ordeal, she turned to Alucard.

"Vampire scum...stupid sod...swine" she muttered to him.

"What was that master?" Alucard goaded her just a little more.

"Who do you think you are bloodsucker?? You do that again and I'll have you eating garlic for the rest of your un-life. Damned stupid sod..."

"Did I offend you, my master?" he bowed sarcastically and laughed.

"Yes you damned well did." she said, blushing. "You think I'm going to let you get away with it you have another thing coming. MY office when we're done here."

"Yessir. But if you'll permit me to say Integra" he didn't wait to ask permission "you seemed to be enjoying yourself..." His evil laughter resounded round the room as he braced himself for the violent response he knew was about to come from Integra.

"Why you..." She didn't continue her sentence, merely shot him in the head several times, before moving onto other, more _delicate_ areas of his body. When she was out of bullets she sat down on the ground and put her head in her hands.  
Alucard wandered over and sat down with her.

Trying to force all memory of what had happened out of her mind, Integra raised her head and yelled at the remaining guests; those who had not already left the Hellsing mess.  
"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE ALL STARING AT?! CLEAR OFF!"  
They didn't need telling twice, and soon all the guests had gone.  
Integra still hadn't forgotten; she wanted to make Alucard feel as bad as she felt.

"Just because I'm letting you near me doesn't mean you're forgiven." she warned, before continuing "...so why are you so scared of balloons?"

He shuddered. That was one memory he had been hoping to forget forever.  
"It was my four hundred and thirty first birthday…"  
"…You remember that far back!?" interrupted Integra  
"Of course I do. Anyway…I thought you wanted to hear this. It was my four hundred and thirty first birthday…"  
"You didn't need to repeat yourself. You're getting doddery in your old age" mocked Integra  
"Don't-interrupt-me. Like I said. It was my four hundred and thirty first birthday; lots of presents, cake, banners. You know the drill. And balloons. My dad was lobbing oranges at me and my mum…she was…off doing something, somewhere. I don't know where she was. Anyway…I was being attacked by oranges, and I stepped on a balloon…"

The sound of manic, unsuppresable laughter filled the room.  
"A young Alucard being pelted with oranges…." Integra was hysterical "I…I just can't imagine it…"

Alucard glared at her. "If you'd let me finish. This is painful you know. Right. I stepped on a balloon and I went flying backwards. I was only four hundred and thirty one, so it hurt…it was orange too. It burst and I landed on the pile of them and they all burst too and…and…" He relapsed into the state of panic he was in before and started rocking backwards and forwards knawing on his wrist.  
The giant red git was munching so hard he punctured something and sent blood streaming everywhere, worsening his already fragile condition.  
Integra didn't have the heart to shoot him again. He was clearly upset; hard to believe for a creature such as Alucard.

"Um…Alucard?" He looked up "Lets get out of here. Heal yourself and go to my office. I'll fetch Walter."

"Y…yes ma…master." He stuttered through sobs.

On her way out, integra had one final question for him.  
"I guess this means you have a grudge against oranges too?" She asked, receiving only a frantic nod in reply as he phased through the floor in the foetal position.


End file.
